NOTE: All 12 Zodiac profiles, as well as the introduction, can be found under the July drop-down menu on the right.
Okay, so has your life sucked the last month or so? Serious question bro. Taking a glance at one's Facebook statuses (the modern day social barometer for the collective unconscious) it seems everyone's life is plagued with occurrences that eloquent people such as myself like to call REALLY FUCKING SHITTY. Your car broke down, your boyfriend broke up with you; it seems everything is breaking down really. And moreso than usual. You're feeling introspective. Things are coming back from the past to haunt you...exes included. And no matter how hard you try to use your words, they just don't get taken seriously or fall on deaf ears.
Well, the good news is there is someone to blame for your problems, and not just a someone but a whole entire planet. Yes friends, we're in a Mercury retrograde.
But Max, what IS a Mercury Retrograde you say? Well friend twink, I'll esplain. Every planet goes into a retrograde, and what this means is in sciency/pseudo-sciency terms is that a planet, from our viewpoint on earth, seems to travel backwards in its orbit around the sun. I'll also have this friendly man from Astrology.com esplain it to yous:
"A planet is described as retrograde when it appears to be moving backwards through the zodiac. According to modern science, this traditional concept arises in the illusory planetary motion created by the orbital rotation of the earth with relation to other planets in our solar system. It's a bit like travelling on the road watching another car beside you: when the other car slows down, or you speed up, it looks as though the other car is moving backwards. Planets are never actually retrograde or stationary, they just seem that way due to this cosmic shadow-play." - Rob Tillet
So yeah...IMPORTANT COSMIC SHIT. When a planet goes into retrograde, it seems like the universe is just trying to toy with you. Everything that planet stands for gets reversed, more or less. Mercury is the planet of communication and technology, so these two areas of life are affected the most. Travel plans don't work out. People are hard to read or talk to. Everyone seems really depressed and angry and everyone is a huge asshole. You get introspective and things from the past rear their ugly heads again. It's all and all a largely awful time.
Sad twink is sad.
The good news is, it's also a time to reflect and to plan ahead. There are bonuses to a Mercury retrograde. For one, since Mercury influences the ability to lie or deceive, it will be nearly impossible for people to cheat you, or at least get away with it for too long. Secrets, mysteries and problems from the past may also get resolved during this time. And while some miserable baggage left undone from the past year may come back to make your life hell, this is also a good time to reconnect with people you haven't seen in awhile, including possible past flames.
BUT DO NOT IGNITE THOSE FLAMES UNTIL RETROGRADE IS OVER. The WORST thing a gay/bi/whatevs boy can do during this time is get into a relationship. It won't last long. Unless you're clever that is and can outsmart the planet of tricksters. Like I said, even though Mercury retrograde gives us a pinata full of bad ideas, it also takes away our defenses and walls. What you see is what you get and you're unlikely to get stuck with an asshole. At least, not for too long.
The good news is that this current Mercury retrograde is almost over, so we can go back to having fun again. It ends this Friday, just in time for the weekend. While some astrologers say that the effects of a Mercury retrograde last a few days after Mercury turns back on its normal orbit, it's usually the most dangerous around when it starts and when it ends.
So watch your backs, boys.
P.S. Geminis, this is your planet so remember that you're the most susceptible during this time. Also the most likely to be blamed. Have fun ;)
